I do believe that success is probably the best description of every man’s yearning; to accomplish everything that I put your time into. There’s nothing wrong with it. Perhaps it’s even worth working for. I am but one of those whose preoccupation is on the success of everything that I endeavor. In fact, many if not all, my undertakings were of success. People applauded me. Neighbors have high regard of the successful man that I am. Well at first it was actually morally uplifting. You know, to be looked up by people as an inspiration - a model to follow. But then, it turned out to be something else that I could not bear.
I just came to that point of time that I created this persona – a public illusion of a man of success. It held me hostage like I can’t be a real me because I’m too afraid of what other people will say. Then I realized that I have to do some dying. What I meant about dying is that I have to submit my will, which is basically a gift, to the One who deserves its submission. I said to myself that it is enough of submitting to the judgment of people who will soon be judged as well.
I am no perfect person. There are times of realizing that there is just nowhere to go. There are moments of desperation that seems like nobody can help me. Self-help books solutions for problems seem to be so implausible because it feels like everybody else is just as empty. Feeling like I am being stripped off of my clothes like as naked as I was when I was born, I tried to hide myself behind education and philosophy.
What a wretched man! Who will deliver me from myself? The self who can only see what is relevant to me. I am so limited that sometimes I cannot realize my worth because I just can’t see past my own vanity. When will the realization hit to me that I’ve only been an actor of this day’s stage interpretative play. I am so focused on the shadow turning my back to the light and too intelligent to see that it’s me who is in the way. All this time professing to be spiritual; obviously pretending that I am actually rationalizing. What a paradox to put God in a box!
Why do I judge and condemn when in fact I am as ignorant as them? I smile and shake hands, then I lay ambush on the man who has different ideas than mine; irate because he doesn’t understand broaching those things that I don’t want to talk about. I am so self-conscious thinking that I am so blessed when I played with my game of Monopoly. To put forward, my life is still a mess. That reveals the pride that I am hiding is what’s stopping me.
It is so clear when God said, “I am the Vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in Me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5) I can hear that God always tells me, “O my child, your traditions has deceived you. I have chosen you but you haven’t chosen Me. Just repent! Turn from selfish motivation so iniquity will not cause your ruin. I have no delight in the death of my only Begotten Son yet I did it so that you will live because I love you.”
I have to submit myself to the Truth leaving behind the deception of my youth so I could walk in the council of authority. I should prevent myself from going after the steps of the majority but rather to trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding and I should acknowledge Him for He will direct my paths straight.
I must wash my hands from wickedness that I may be saved from my deception. How long shall I face these lies within me that is keeping me from perfection and providing me no protection?
O I must remind myself always, “It’s not the talkers, but the walkers of His Word are the only ones the Almighty Father will save.”
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